we went to two parties last night. the first one was our usual party crew. the second one had a few familiar faces but it was mostly people we didn't know. we also won our football game--21 to zip. all in all, it was a fun night.

i'm back at school. same old shit every year...only this year i'm a senior...and i basically rule the school lol. i haven't updated this thing in SO long. but believe that i have been keeping busy. shayla and i threw an end of summer party a few weeks ago. we passed out flyers. lots of people came. it was nice. people had a great time until the cops came...more about that some other time. anyway, i ran into my childhood friend curtis at the party. he lives out of town but he was visiting for the summer. i kicked it with him for like a week straight. he's totally georgous now, and we even got to make out briefly. personality wise...i'm not sure if i would ever date him. but it was good to see him again. shayla and i went to another party last night. we ran into a lot of familiar faces. most of the people there were the usual party crowd that hangs around springfield. i met someone there...well sort of. we'd already met once before. his name is mason...he's white...and a cutie. but a little strange i gotta say. i'm also talking to someone new online. his name is derrik. he seems sweet. i guess i'm back to dating again. my quest for a good relationship is not over yet.

summer has been chill. i've gotten a chance to hang out with some friends i haven't seen in a while. last week i went out to dinner with jana (she was having boy trouble and needed some chill time) and her friend luke. i also got to chill with kayla, who is extremely funny !! today i chilled with shantell throughout most of the day.

there's a new man in my life. well...sort of. his name is ryne. not sure where this is going. don't really have much of an opion on him. he's pretty cute. not gorgeous, but decent looking. he's quiet, but agressive. shayla and i actually met him on the street. he was drunk that night. he seems to be drunk every night we get together. shayla doesn't know i've been seeing him...and she'd kill me if she did. she thinks he's crazy. but he's harmless. just your average horny 19 year old. he went down on me last time we were together. but it stopped at that. we didn't have sex...despite how badly he wanted to. i don't know what it is about white guys...but he's the second one to do it. and i didn't have to offer anything in return. as of now ryne is just someone i'm having fun with...i doubt it will turn into anything serious. he's kind of weird actually...but when he's not trying to jump my bones, and we're just chilling or hanging out, he's generally a decent person...and kind of funny too.

i'm still on my quest for mr. perfect however. i'll try and update with something interesting next time.

sundy night we kicked it. i didn't do much throughout the weekend but sunday was awesome. i went swimming with jackie, paris, and paris's cousin (not sure what her name was). after that i got ready at paris's and me and shayla went to club 217, which is one of the only teen clubs in springfield. it was pretty fun for the most part. i'd like to go back sometime. other than that not much is going on. practice went well today. i feel like we're making a lot of progress. if anything interesting happens i'll post about it later.

The 4th of July wasn't too exciting for the most part. We BBQ'd at my grandparents house like we do every year, then I went to eat even more grilled food at Shay's grandparent's house. It was there that I discovered I have a younger cousin I never knew about. I mean I knew him, but I'd only met him a couple of times. I had no idea we were cousins. He's going to be a freshmen this year. His name's Ricky. He's adorable. I think of him as a little brother. We fight like siblings (in a joking way of course). It'll be nice having him around. He, Shay, and I got together with Chavarus (our other cousin) and watched him play basketball at the park. After we took Var home, me, Shay, and Ricky went downtown to watch the fireworks. It was pretty fun. We dropped Ricky off at home around 10:00 and Shay and I hooked up with 4 guys from school. We ate McDonalds (yea, I actually ate AGAIN) and went to the park. Afterward Shay and I drove around for a good 2 hours with nothing to do. We got home around 1 o' clock.

This has been a pretty interesting summer. But I realize how much MORE fun it'd be with a man. I dated three guys this summer, but none of them were quite what I was looking for.

Mike -- I've talked about him in a few entries. He's the guy I made out with after Zach and I fought (which was also the last time we saw eachother). Mike is a sweet guy. We went on ONE date, and got together a few times after that. But as much as he denied it, I knew he had a girlfriend. And that wasn't a road I wanted to go down. Not only that, Mike doesn't seem like the most trustworthy guy. He's nothing but a big flirt.

Rich -- I met Rich through Adrienne. He's a little on the bigger side, but he's adorable...physically anyway. We talked for a while, but then I realized I didn't want him either. He's older (22), and his occupation isn't the best source of income. I think I just wanted Rich around because he was older and he had his own place. He also let me and my friends come kick it at his house with his brothers whenever we wanted. That was nice, knowing that we were always accepted there...and they treated us well. But Rich isn't someone I could see myself with in the long run. He's WAY to full of himself and he talks to much about his harsh past (living in the hood and whatnot). I'm not attracted to guys who praise themselves like that.

Jairus -- Jairus took me out for Valentine's day back in Febuary. We've known eachother for almost a year now. We met last summer. We talk on the phone every now and then. I'm not sure how to classify us exactly. Flirtatious friends maybe. We've tried dating in the past, but something always stopped us. A few weeks ago, Jairus finally asked me out at one of me and Shay's get togethers. He wanted to make it official. He wanted to be my "boyfriend". These were his exact words. We made out (he was a pretty decent kisser by the way) and we were very playful and flirtatious with eachother the whole night. And out of the 3 guys, Jairus would've probably been my best bet. He's actually my age (17), he's in high school, and he plays football. He's a good kid. But in true Ciarra formed, I fucked it up by getting drunk that night (after Jairus left of course), but right in front of Jairus's best friend. I threw up later, which definitely helped me learn my lesson. Anyhow, I said some things I probably shouldn't have while I was drunk about Jairus. His best friend told him and he was pissed...so he stopped calling. Just like that. I ran into him a few days ago at my cousin's graduation party. He walked right up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and I totally ignored him. I pretended like he wasn't even there. How can you ask to be my boyfriend, stop calling, and then approach me at a party and expect everything to be cool. I'm sure I'll talk to Jairus again in the future. We've been going back and forth, flirting and whatnot for almost a year now. But right now I think I'd rather just be friends.

I just can't seem to find what I'm looking for. The last guy I was really happy with was Zach, and that's basically shot to shit. We can't even be friends now because I wrote him a NASTY e-mail about a month ago when we broke up. I still think about him a lot. I've come to the realization that I'm lonely. It's kind of sad that I'm this dependant on men. I NEED a man in my life to feel complete, to feel special. A summer romance would be nice. But a real relationship would be even better.

On a side note, Adrienne is gone. She lft a couple of days ago for college training. She'll be back in August for a few weeks. Then she'll be gone again for university. Shay and I took her out for dinner her last night here. Adrienne has made a pretty big impact on my life. We started hanging out sometime in January. I 've never been through so many ups and downs with any female in my life. I love the girl, but man does she drive me crazy sometimes. I can definitely see that things are going to be a lot different when she's gone. This is only the beginning. Everyone is going off to college and starting their lives as adults. I've still got one more year of high school left, and then I'll be leaving too. It's scary to know that we're all young adults starting a new chapter in our lives. I'm going to try and enjoy these teen years for as long as I can (despite the hardships and the drama). They'll be gone before I know it.